Letters to the Void

All lot of stuff has happened since I last wrote. That's a really typical way to start a blog entry, but that's okay. Sometimes I wonder what it is about me that drives me to say absolutely everything that's on my mind. Sometimes I wish I would only say the things that are necessary without all the extra information. Somebody told me once to write my thoughts. It was a good idea... because I don't necessarily have to bother people with it, they can read if they want and skip it if they don't. I don't really care if no one listens... I just want to get it out of my head. So back to the start, a lot of stuff has happened since I last wrote. Weirdly, I don't want to talk about these things, specifically. Just generally I guess. When my heart is tired and I look back at the previous month, I usually discover that it doesn't really matter what has happened, just that things happened and that I feel tired because of them. I am tired of thinking about my future. I'm kind of tired of the expectation of marriage- both that I get from other people and that I put on myself. I look around and think that there is no one for me. It's not that God can't provide someone at the drop of a hat or that he can't change my attitude about someone I already know, but it's more of a general disappointment I get when I think about how special of a guy God would have to bring along to tolerate me. Sometimes I can't stand my own self... I don't know how some dude would last with me in a marriage for a lifetime. It would certainly be an interesting story if it ever happened.
I met someone who I've developed a relationship with who is an atheist and it breaks my heart, because I believe with all my heart that there is a heaven and there is a hell and those who don't believe in the gospel will be going to hell. He is currently going to hell and I am powerless to save him. It's not a joke and it's not dismissable in my mind. I pray and pray that God will save him. This guy won't even talk to me about this except to tell me that he hates religion. There is absolutely nothing I can do but pray that God will save him and be ready should God give me the opportunity to speak.
I wish I could talk with someone who gets as tired from the burden of emotion as I do. That doesn't seem to come up in conversation often... Everyone is so tired from work or school that when we hang out, I want the mood to be light and fun... for myself too. But sometimes I wish someone would just walk up to me and say, "Tammy... do you ever feel like your emotions are like a big load of bricks that you carry around with you on your back that just wear you out? I do..." No one really says that stuff cause it's depressing, but depressing or not, I wish someone would say that to me. It would be such a load off just to share the weight with someone, even just to know someone else feels like that. Even if nothing else was ever said except to know that we would pray for each other so specifically cause you know exactly how to pray. At least I know Jesus knows the feeling. Man of sorrows, aquainted with grief. His burden was infinitely more heavy than mine ever will be. Hallelujah, what a Savior.
I am so grateful for my friends who spend time with me and who ask me how I am and then care about my answer to that question. Those are friends. I don't know what I would do without them. I'm so glad I've had the opportunity to appreciate depth in friendship.
I ran across an interesting phenomenon today. Someone told me that I shouldn't study God in depth in a group setting. Now that I've let that digest in my mind, I don't think I agree. Usually I take those kinds of things to heart but this one I'm not going to give a lot of creedence to. I'm seeking God for His glory and to foster a closer relationship with Him. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpeneth another. I want to be sharpened. I want my views of God to be sharpened closer to the truth. I want to seek out the truth of God. I know that God is truth so in turn, I am seeking Him. I am not giving away my time alone with Him. I am trying to seek Him out both alone and together with other believers. I am thinking this is okay.
Sometimes I get the feeling that God is testing specific parts of my faith. I think that He is leading me to a place and I say yes Lord, okay and take a little leap, and then a few months later circumstances make me doubt and then a few months later I have completely forgotten about it as if the whole thing never took place, and then a few months later it is brought to my mind because I actually never forgot, I just put it out of my mind... but it was always there and then I feel convicted. It's at this time that I wonder whether God was leading or whether I was biased towards something that I did or did not particularly want. This, my dear void, is called one of two things: either doubt or delusion. It's only one in a series of many epic battles between my logic and my faith. While logic is self-sustaining in the fact that it states the only thing one can truly lean on is logic itself, faith is dependent on an outside source. So do I lean on self-sustaining logic which would say that the liklihood of this situation is that I was biased toward what I wanted and so I chose that path and merely labeled it as "a leading", or do I name these feelings doubt and renew my faith. This is one of many choices I face. The pull of logic is strong. It is popular to depend on and gives quite a safe feeling... mainly because it can always be figured out. But faith... that takes something more. It takes dependence on an outside source. Do I have the faith of a mustard seed? I found a picture of mustard seeds. They are very small. I just need faith that small. But what am I to have faith in? I think I will have faith in that He can do exceedingly and abundantly beyond all that I ask or think. I will pray that what I ask and think are those things that He wants for me. I don't want to be confused by having faith that He will give me something that wasn't ever in His plan for me. That is a sure way to delusion.
I do not know the future. I sometimes fixate on it, wish I knew it, think I know it, plan like I do know it, and then remember the verse in James that says that kind of thinking is arrogant and ends with the phrase, "To him who knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to him it is sin." The will of the Lord is to do what I already know He told me to do. Fixating on that instead might be a better idea.
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." Galations 6:9-10

That's all for now. Goodnight, void.