Giving It Up

I have long admired the work of Jane Austen. Her books are among my favorites. This is a common thread amongst many women. And many women admire Jane's work for different reasons. My reason is that she writes the heart accurately. I know it is accurate, for women now 200 years later still, in tears, identify with both the heartbreak and joy reflected in the lives of her characters. Last night I watched the movie, Becoming Jane, which is the story of Jane Austen, loosely based on facts. Many people don't know that Jane remained single throughout her whole life. I found out this sad fact a few years ago and it depressed me. It's not that there haven't been other single women throughout history, but that she in particular writes such beautiful love stories. You would think that one of those happy endings could have been her own, but it was not to be. There was a point in the movie when she had love. It was the kind that was blissful feeling we all long for. She had that moment when everything seemed right and even if something else was wrong, it didn't matter anymore because he loved her. And then she lost it. She went through the heartbreak that so many have experienced. And then that same love was placed in front of her once again, at the cruelest of times when she had just gotten over the blinding heartbreak, but not yet the dull hurt. It was offered to her. Love- the thing that she most wanted was hers for the taking, but at an expense. She would have to leave everything, everyone behind and run away. The next scene shows her packing her things while her sister is trying to talk some sense into her and in her own defense, Jane, eyes wild with desperation, tearfully breathes the following to her sister: "happiness is within my grasp."
That heart-pricking line hit me like a ton of bricks, for if I were to name anything that I would think would bring me happiness, it would be love. In my identification with her at that moment I justified her actions, her attitude, her heart.
With my mind's voice I said to her, Go. Go with him. Nothing else matters. Leave everything behind and go.

In the end it didn't work out. I knew that it wouldn't because this was a real story and like so many real stories, it didn't have the ending we all desperately wanted it to have.
I've been mulling all of this over in my mind for the past day. It stirred up some raw feelings in my heart that I try to give over to God regularly- but sometimes it's hard to get way down in there, down deep in your heart where you know the most difficult things are lying, waiting to be uncovered. So I am challenged, once again, to give it up. Giving it up comes on so many levels- knowing about giving it up, knowing you want to give it up, actually giving it up, and then giving it up again... and again... oh and wait it's another day... give it up again. Someone made a thoughtless comment about you being single and getting older... give it up again. You saw a father playing with his children... give it up again. You met a group of elderly single missionaries, and they're all women... give it up again. You see all your friends get married around you... give it up again. And it goes on and on and on. Daily dying to self. This is the struggle that God has ordained for me, but "happiness is within my grasp" could mean a number of things to different people. So many think that this or that will bring them happiness.
Today I was reminded that happiness IS within our grasp! Our hearts are, I fear at times, blindfolded and forgetful. What is it that we are seeking, truly? Is it our clouded view of happiness, or is it real happiness, which is only found in Christ?

I wistfully place myself in Jane's shoes. I would in fact make the same decision and defend it in the same way- happiness is within my grasp- it's here, this once in a lifetime chance is here, all I have to do is reach out and take it.
But it is a different man calling to me. He too calls for me to leave much behind, to take HIS hand and for me to desperately realize that happiness, real happiness, is within my grasp. Again I hear the whisper,
Go. Go with Him. Nothing else matters. Leave everything behind and go.
As time goes on I realize there is always more to be left behind. Giving it up is the hard part, but in the sacrifice comes the blessing of true happiness, it is joy.