Reckless Love

Tonight I was gathered with about 20 other believers who are giving up their lives here in the States to serve Jesus elsewhere. They are leaving their families and believe me, I know how hard that can be. We have, in fact, been gathered for a seminar over the last week and a half. But tonight we were in a home and one was singing about his dedication to Jesus. The first few moments of the song I was thinking oh yes, Lord, me too. Then my thoughts turned to each one in that room. I knew that each one has the same, fervent heart of dedication. Each one has a throbbing love for Christ. And I thought to myself that this group, who was united in love for Jesus, was so very beautiful. Most people who know me know that beautiful things make me cry. I will cry looking at the stars, mountains, oceans, rainbows, while snorkeling even. I cry when children do beautiful things. I am always touched by beauty. Tonight this group was beautiful. I was overwhelmed with affection for each one's heart for our dear Lord. I learned on a deeper level tonight what it means in Romans 12:10 to "Love one another with brotherly affection." Then I was subsequently overwhelmed with the thought that tomorrow is our last day and I will be saying goodbye to these precious people. Some I may not see again this side of heaven, and we will probably never be all together again as a group.

A natural response to pain is avoidance. I am the poster child for avoidance behavior. I don't want to get too close to people I know I will shortly have to say goodbye to. A lot though, I forget myself and fall in love with other people that I know with whom I have a very short amount of time. Previously in my life, I would have come home and scolded myself for setting myself up for pain. That is reckless behavior that will get me hurt. But God has taught me something tonight. I want to love recklessly. I love this definition of reckless- "utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action." Yes! I want to love so much that I am utterly unconcerned about the consequences to myself! Isn't that what God has done for us? God has reckless love for us. I am overtaken by it and love Him so much in return.

And as much as I am not looking forward to saying my goodbyes tomorrow, I know that it's because of His reckless love that I am not ever really saying goodbye to one of His children, but only see ya later.

Thank you, precious Lord, for always holding my heart in your capable hands.

Challenges

Today I was wondering how often it actually is that we are challenged by a new thought to the point where we are made uncomfortable by the implications involved. Honestly, it doesn't happen often for me, but it did in fact happen today. I like these rare tests of courage. Sorta.

The Miscellaneous

Today I did proudly don my Phillies cap for the first time this season. Opening day is not for a couple weeks, but I am starting early.

I painted my nails.

I updated my Facebook information.

I read a chapter from a book called, Webster's grammar, usage, and punctuation, fully noting the irony present in the writing of the title.

I called my older brother and wished him a happy birthday.

Today I also overcame a little bit of fear, by God's grace.

I made plans to worship the Lord tomorrow morning with one person I know and a bunch of people I've never met, whom I will love like brothers and sisters.

Each and every one of these things relieved little bits of built up stress. I love the small things in life- especially flip flops. :)

On Blood and Death

I've wondered why there must be blood shed for the forgiveness of sins (Heb 9:22). The story of salvation is dependent on this principle. The story of the entire Bible has foundations in this principle. I can see how it works, the functionality of it, but I haven't understood the reason. Why blood? Why must something die so that other things can have life? I see the principle in everyday life- I understand that a grazing animal must die so that a predator can live. I see that a plant must die to fertilize the ground so that seeds will grow and another plant will live. I see it, but even on this every day basis I don't understand the reason for the connection between death and life. So when it comes to the commandments in the Old Testament that various animals must die and their blood used to purify the wrongdoings of humans, my lack of understanding is even more magnified. Further, because of the background of these commandments and the marvelous history leading up to Christ, I understand the poetic beauty of the once-for-all sacrifice of Christ, because without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness of sins. Hebrews 9 spells out that awe-inspiring beauty clearly. But I still find that I don't understand the reason. Why did it have to be blood? Why did it have to be death? A simple, "because that's what God chose" doesn't satisfy my desire to know.

I've traveled backwards in my mind to a time when blood and death were not needed, back to the time when it all started. Adam and Eve were in a perfect environment. They were created by God without the knowledge of good and evil... in other words, without the knowledge of evil. The knowledge they had was of what was around them, which God had declared good. So when the time came that they decided they wanted this knowledge of evil, they decided to disobey God, which was the first sin. A curse came. The curse involved decay and death, but God in His goodness provided a way to overcome this curse. Blood sacrifices had to be made in order to forgive the sin. I still think to myself, why?? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't we simply repent and be forgiven? (It seems that we do this now, but it is only because of the once-for-all blood sacrifice made by Christ that we can do this.) This blood and death seems like such a terrible, terrible thing to gain forgiveness. From a God who is infinitely creative and able to choose to do anything, why did He choose this way? Blood and death are terrible... terrible! The longer you think about death, the more terrible you realize it is. Death exists because of Adam and Eve's disobedience. That first sin was how we all got infected with sin, and I say infected because it is the worst hereditary disease known to man. It is fatal, not just in our material bodies, but in our immaterial souls. The result of that first sin was spiritual death, and it was the worst thing that could possibly have happened to the human race. I catch myself thinking, Wow... that's a huge result for a seemingly small action. It seems like the punishment doesn't fit the crime.

But let's rethink that. Is it possible that this punishment is an indicator of how heinous the crime actually was (and continues to be)? We tend to think in degrees of sin, but don't we know that sin is sin? It was not a long time coming before disobedience in the parents turned to murder in the son. The magnitude of this punishment shows us that sin is so far from the holiness of God that spiritual death is the only result fitting for it. It is an indicator of the infinity of His righteousness. It is another way of understanding the perfection of God. It is a powerful reminder of His glory. And under this meaning, the story of the shedding of the blood of Jesus can be understood not merely as poetic, but as life-changing.

Change of Habitat

A few months ago I sat in a van full of Portuguese people I didn't know driving through a cork/bull-raising farm to play my flute with a local band I had just joined. I was just riding along enjoying the view when it dawned on me that I was in a completely unfamiliar situation right down to the language I didn't speak and the clothes I was wearing that weren't mine. I smiled and shook my head. I had gotten up that morning in the same country, I had put on that unfamiliar band uniform, I had gotten in the car and driven to the town where I play in the band. It was amazing to me all the little steps I had taken that were no big deal at the time, but that had gotten me into that situation. It is interesting to think of the remarkable things we may do in any given day in a completely unremarkable way. Our ability to adapt amazes me, because it's not just a physical adaption but the adaption of our complex mental and emotional processes as well. The stretching and pulling of my insides during these last 6 months have been taxing, but they have made the reaches of my heart a little bit bigger. They have afforded me with more compassion and understanding... things I have been less than short on in the past. My eyes have been opened again to new perspectives... even more ways of seeing the same things I had always seen before. How foolish would I be now, even more than ever, to think I knew it all. There is so much out there I don't understand. It seems kind of funny to hold an opinion on anything when you know there is so much information out there that you probably don't even know about. Of course I go on holding opinions because they are open, as ever.
The more I write it seems the less point I have.... or the more points I have. I guess this is more random pondering. A change of habitat can cause you to ponder in a random way. Whenever I get more settled maybe my thoughts will be more pointed. Or maybe I'll never be settled again, who knows. Whatever. I'm going to go back to the place I was before all this dawned on me.

Blah blah blah

I just accidentally turned the printer on with my foot and it scared me half to death.

I feel like half of what I hear in this world can be reduced like a fraction. It all boils down to 3 words, blah, blah, blah. Do you ever feel like you keep hearing the same things over and over and there is no new thought EVER? This comes from my own dissatisfaction and under-appreciation for repetition. Ok. That's not it. That's me being ridiculously optimistic again. Sometimes giving the benefit of the doubt doesn't progress anything, it just makes people feel good. And sometimes making people feel good isn't what's best for them either. And sometimes if you truly love someone, you will have to make a difficult decision that will make them feel bad.

Don't ask where this is coming from. These are late night random ponderings. It's only 11:15, I know. This is why I don't stay up later because the ponderings become increasingly more random.

A Moment

I have a moment... yikes, it's December 1st! I've missed writing, just like I always say when I haven't had the time to write. God has been at work in my heart- this is a given. What I should really be saying is that I've seen and understood God's work in my heart as of late. I was able to attend the inauguration of a brand new church in Santa Marta, Portugal tonight. It was exciting to be there at the beginning of a work that will be faithfully reaching out to the lost. So many times I've been frustrated by stagnation in the church (not necessarily my own church, but the church in general) and it's so exciting to see new work- alive and growing- being planted and reaching its arms out to the lost people in the community. As I was sitting there, thinking I need to know this language better, I was filled with love and anticipation for God's work here in Portugal. It was one of many spiritual nudges I've had towards the ministry here. God is at work- I feel full of expectancy like in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when they whisper with eyes wide and hopes high, "Aslan is on the move!"
God is on the move. It is exciting and I want to be a part of it!

Lessons From the Spirit

It's amazing to me how intricately the Holy Spirit works in our lives to teach us things we need to learn. Even though I've only been in Portugal for two Sundays, I've tremendously missed being fed on Sunday mornings. Each Sunday here while the Pastor is opening in prayer, I pray myself that God would teach me even though there is a rather severe barrier in communication. This morning before I went to church I read the following blog post from Jason George and took in the lyrics of the song, which I have yet to hear:
http://jasongeorgeoutreach.com/?p=296
As I was at church this morning, praying that God would teach me, the Pastor was preaching out of 2 Peter 1 and I read the following passage:
"His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall."
Reading Jason's post was an excellent reminder to me to be on the lookout for sin in my life- even more than being on the lookout- being on my toes so that it can be quickly taken care of the moment it creeps in- even when it seems small and insignificant. This passage of Scripture, then in the light of that reminder to me, gave me another much needed reminder and something that is sometimes a missing piece of the puzzle for me, what to REPLACE the pursuit of sinful desires with. I must pursue love, brotherly affection, godliness, steadfastness, self-control, knowledge, virtue and faith. God has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, by His divine power. Do we sometimes forget what an indescribable gift that is? He has granted to us His precious and very great promises, so that through them, we may become partakers of the divine nature. That's incredible. In response to such a gift I am inspired to practice godliness... and all the other qualities that Peter mentions.
Perhaps next time when sin creeps in I will be reminded to continually pursue these other qualities.
I'm humbled to know that the Spirit is teaching me.

Giving It Up

I have long admired the work of Jane Austen. Her books are among my favorites. This is a common thread amongst many women. And many women admire Jane's work for different reasons. My reason is that she writes the heart accurately. I know it is accurate, for women now 200 years later still, in tears, identify with both the heartbreak and joy reflected in the lives of her characters. Last night I watched the movie, Becoming Jane, which is the story of Jane Austen, loosely based on facts. Many people don't know that Jane remained single throughout her whole life. I found out this sad fact a few years ago and it depressed me. It's not that there haven't been other single women throughout history, but that she in particular writes such beautiful love stories. You would think that one of those happy endings could have been her own, but it was not to be. There was a point in the movie when she had love. It was the kind that was blissful feeling we all long for. She had that moment when everything seemed right and even if something else was wrong, it didn't matter anymore because he loved her. And then she lost it. She went through the heartbreak that so many have experienced. And then that same love was placed in front of her once again, at the cruelest of times when she had just gotten over the blinding heartbreak, but not yet the dull hurt. It was offered to her. Love- the thing that she most wanted was hers for the taking, but at an expense. She would have to leave everything, everyone behind and run away. The next scene shows her packing her things while her sister is trying to talk some sense into her and in her own defense, Jane, eyes wild with desperation, tearfully breathes the following to her sister: "happiness is within my grasp."
That heart-pricking line hit me like a ton of bricks, for if I were to name anything that I would think would bring me happiness, it would be love. In my identification with her at that moment I justified her actions, her attitude, her heart.
With my mind's voice I said to her, Go. Go with him. Nothing else matters. Leave everything behind and go.

In the end it didn't work out. I knew that it wouldn't because this was a real story and like so many real stories, it didn't have the ending we all desperately wanted it to have.
I've been mulling all of this over in my mind for the past day. It stirred up some raw feelings in my heart that I try to give over to God regularly- but sometimes it's hard to get way down in there, down deep in your heart where you know the most difficult things are lying, waiting to be uncovered. So I am challenged, once again, to give it up. Giving it up comes on so many levels- knowing about giving it up, knowing you want to give it up, actually giving it up, and then giving it up again... and again... oh and wait it's another day... give it up again. Someone made a thoughtless comment about you being single and getting older... give it up again. You saw a father playing with his children... give it up again. You met a group of elderly single missionaries, and they're all women... give it up again. You see all your friends get married around you... give it up again. And it goes on and on and on. Daily dying to self. This is the struggle that God has ordained for me, but "happiness is within my grasp" could mean a number of things to different people. So many think that this or that will bring them happiness.
Today I was reminded that happiness IS within our grasp! Our hearts are, I fear at times, blindfolded and forgetful. What is it that we are seeking, truly? Is it our clouded view of happiness, or is it real happiness, which is only found in Christ?

I wistfully place myself in Jane's shoes. I would in fact make the same decision and defend it in the same way- happiness is within my grasp- it's here, this once in a lifetime chance is here, all I have to do is reach out and take it.
But it is a different man calling to me. He too calls for me to leave much behind, to take HIS hand and for me to desperately realize that happiness, real happiness, is within my grasp. Again I hear the whisper,
Go. Go with Him. Nothing else matters. Leave everything behind and go.
As time goes on I realize there is always more to be left behind. Giving it up is the hard part, but in the sacrifice comes the blessing of true happiness, it is joy.

My Cup Runneth Over

I've just returned from the Montana Missions trip with the high schoolers from my church. My body is drained, but my heart is so full. There were so many trials during those 12 days but I was reminded daily of God's presence in so many ways. The scenery was truly indescribable. I would be hard pressed to find words even to touch the surface of how amazing God's creation is. Mountains, even clouded by smoke from forest fires, are a sight to behold. There is nothing like grasping just a little bit of the enormity and beauty of God, and then realizing the minority of ourselves. In turn however I then catch a glimpse into God's truly amazing grace. That a God of such power, such greatness, a God of such sheer magnitude and beauty would choose me to be His daughter is not only beyond my mind, but beyond me completely- body and soul. It's humbling beyond description and because of that it inspires love- now I get why we love Him, because He loved us first. This personal time of fellowship with God was so crucial for me in preparation for the hard times to come. Because of You, Lord God, my cup runneth over.
God also reminded me of the importance of other people in our lives. Every single person on the trip contributed either to my encouragement or to my learning a lesson God had for me. I learned more about myself through watching others that I care to admit. I saw extremes of my own personality often and was reminded how God has brought me through and taught me... and how we still have a long way to go together. I love girls. Of course sometimes girls can be annoying but I just love laughing with girls. Boys just don't get things the way we do. I love boys too though. It's funny that when boys are boys they spend a lot of their time play-acting as if they were men and then once they become men they spend a lot of their time acting like boys again. Either way, it's endearing... mostly. :) I think one of my favorite parts of the trip was when Ryan, Tim and Jacquelyn wanted to swim across Avalanche Lake. Though I have no doubts that they all had the strength to do it, the water was much too cold... I mean come on... it was just a glacier. My favorite part about that is they stood knee deep in the water knowing full well how cold it was and against all odds, they counted to three together and jumped in to swim it. Even though they only made it about 10 yards out before they turned around to come back, they still jumped in. That's just awesome.

I saw teens that I knew when they were no more than 5 years old step up as mature spiritual adults and take on the task of presenting the gospel, pure and simple, to those that are lost. I saw each one of the team fighting the fight and it did my soul good. To God be the glory, great things He has done! In terms of success, God was glorified on this trip, and that is why I went. That is why I will go in less than 3 weeks. That is why I will always go. If it is indeed true that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him, then He is perhaps more glorified in me now in my life than ever before. My cup truly does run over.