Muddling Through the Junk

It takes me a long time to get down to what's bothering me. If I'm in a mood and I can't shake it, or if I just instinctively know something is bothering me, I have to take a night to myself and clean normally. I put my 1000+ songs on shuffle and see which ones make me cry and which ones i just can't stand to listen to at the moment. That usually gives me some clue. The other thing I have to do is muddle through all the surface junk that gathers in the emotional section of my brain. I'm sure lots of people can identify with that. It's all the stuff that you tell yourself about circumstances, other people, or yourself that aren't really true... all the cop outs. Finally at the end of what is usually a few hours I've given up the fight with myself and admit whatever it is at the moment that I hate admitting. Usually some kind of weakness or quality about myself I don't like. Introspection can be a curse. I've always operated off the thought that you can't change other people, only yourself, so I think about that. I think about it too much if you ask me. I am very poor at accepting things the way they are; I always want to change it for the better. Or for what I see as better anyway. Sometimes you just have to take something as it comes without editing it, perfecting it, or touching it up in any way. That's a tough pill for me to swallow. A big weakness. His power is perfected in weakness. I'm seeing more behavior on my part that is out of character for me. Things and places in which I know I'm weak and I pull it off. Of course it's not me pulling it off. I guess that as bad as being made aware of our worst weaknesses can be, it's in that horse-pill of humility that God's strength is made most clear. "Search me oh God and know my heart" is a daunting plea because it asks God to reveal the ugly me and shove it in front of a crystal clear mirror. But once you see the troll your heart can be, and then see His grace making it more beautiful, because it is becoming more like Him, you are that much more grateful and can praise Him that much more deeply. I was reminded again yesterday about the princess book I read awhile back. I do very much want to have a heart like that. One that is beautiful, poised, strong, graceful, courageous, gentle and radiant with love for the King. It will take a long time to get there I think, but thankfully He's along side me, guiding me so that muddling through the junk isn't so bad.