Must Kill Bugs

So there was an abnormally large katydid in my apartment this morning. I knew it was there cause I heard it last night. I had just gone to bed and I thought it was outside my window but then I realized the sound was not coming from that direction. In vain I tried to convince myself that the sound was just bouncing off my other wall and the creepy crawly creature was really outside. So just to confirm this fact that I was hoping I could make true by sheer act of will, I went to my door and slowly opened it. The sound got louder as I opened my door and I slowly resigned myself to the knowledge that there was a bug in my apartment.... probably a very large one that has the ability to hop and fly. I considered for just a moment taking care of the problem but then I realized there is no way I could go out there in the dark because my superior sense of sight is one thing I have against these insects and by facing it in the dark I am taking away one of my greatest advantages. So I closed my door and decided I would let it stay out there until morning when one of my roommates would run into it and take care of it for me. I got back in bed and tried to enjoy the katydid sound that I normally like but it sounds different when they're inside rather than out. All of a sudden their pleasant chirp turns into a torture device intended for producing insanity and I laid there with my eyes wide open desperatly praying that it would stop. Whether it did or not I will never know because thankfully I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning and that was the first thing on my mind before I even set my feet on the ground. There were three possibilties: 1. My roommates had found it and quietly disposed of it before I woke up. 2. I had dreamt the entire thing. 3. It was still there. Since I instinctively knew that it was neither possibility 1 or 2, I came out of my room slowly and carefully went into the bathroom, all the time mentally picturing the can of the most powerful Raid available which is sitting in my linen closet. I have a process for checking rooms I think bugs may be in and it begins by looking at the ceiling (a habit formed by being surprised by one too many spiders). Well, I checked everywhere (leaving the bathtub for last) and there was no bug. So... with a little more hope and confidence I went out to the living room and kitchen and checked there. Again... no bug. I was finally letting down my guard and thinking that either my roommates took care of it, it flew out the door it came in, or it was hiding in a dark corner somewhere which is fine with me until later. So I was getting ready for work and had actually forgotten about it when I walked down the hall and there it was, larger than life, just hanging out on our hallway closet door. Since I am not a screamer, my outlet for a startle is to jump and as a result lose my balance and fall. And being that I had literally JUST forgotten about the stinkin thing, I was very startled. Thankfully I did not fall, but I did spend a lot of time plotting on how to get this particular thing out of the place where I live and sleep. I decided that I couldn't kill it because it was too pretty. I know the irony is too much but what can I say. So I thought that I would capture it and take it outside. My pampered chef mixing bowl with the plastic lid and handle would come in handy for this... yes.... so I took it out of the cabinet (never yet used by the way... until now) and took it by the handle and attempted to cover the thing up on the wall so that it would be in the bowl then I would quickly put the lid on it and run outside and let it be free. Well unfortunately, my fear of bugs has to do with the hopping and/or flying. While I am absolutely certain that human eyeballs are like catnip to spiders, grasshoppers and crickets are a different story. I know they are harmless but with all the hopping and flying and wings and legs flailing about I'm afriad that they will inadvertently hop into my mouth and while trying to get out will go in the wrong direction down my throat and choke me in the most terrible death imaginable to me. Some people are surely thinking by now... just close your mouth... I know but I forget sometimes and it just hangs open like a fish. Other people are thinking... you idiot. I know. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I would rather face a snake. Anyways so after quite a bit of deliberation and much prayer over which I'm sure God is rolling His eyes, I trapped it, hop-free. I put the lid on and sealed it and ran outside hoping it wouldn't run out of air and die before I set it free. So I get outside and put it on the ground and of course the lid is stuck. So I am trying to slowly and stealthily pull it off in such a way that I can jump back quickly afterwards but it's stuck. Now I'm standing with it in my hands and I finally get it off and THEN the flippin thing hops. I threw the bowl and lid on the ground and watched the katydid hop away. Mission accomplished! Unfortunately I was very short on breath at this point due to the excitement of it all, still in my pajamas, hair pretty much as frizzy as it gets, and to make matters worse, I turned around and there were people staring at me. But these were not just any people. They were the special people that live below me and I've found that life has indeed become very ironic when they are looking at me as if I'M the strange one.

So I've never been one to put many qualifications besides the obvious ones on the type of man I want to marry but I came to a very firm decision this morning that he must be willing to kill the bugs.