If I Really Believe

This one gets personal by the end... so only read at your own risk.

Throughout one's life I assume most people have a series of what I would call "breakdowns." Some have a lot, some have a little, some are big, some are small but the assumption remains on my part that most people have them. I suppose I could be wrong. I guess I assume that most people have them because I have them and I like to think of myself as somewhat normal. I remember three times in particular in my life when I consider to have had a pretty big breakdown. Then throughout the months and weeks I have other smaller ones, mostly due to circumstances. If I look back, these times are normally characterized by me thinking my life should turn out one way when in fact God has another plan and I am simply not happy about that. My view is not aligned with God's and therefore I don't see things His way. I don't see how all things are working together and I only see confusion. This inevitably leads me to a loss of peace and joy. I'm pretty sick and tired of that. I see it as a cycle. Like I put my "God's view" glasses on and they slowly but surely slide down my nose because I'm not paying attention to them. I no longer see things His way and only notice this suddenly, leading me to push the glasses back up my nose only for them to slowly slide back down again. Each time they drift down my nose God is making some adjustments to my face (only as much as I will allow Him), molding it to be more like His so His glasses fit better... rather than me trying to adjust the glasses...
Well, this time I see the glasses have slidden down again... but one of my root problems has been uncovered.... the same one that has plagued me for the last 15 years, the same one that only a little over a year ago I handed over to God willingly asking Him, "Teach me?" I have felt for the last year that I have only been taking in head knowledge about the subject. I think I knew in my heart that the so-called "life lesson" was coming. There has been no event to kick off this life lesson, no one thing has caused the lack of peace and joy. For the last two weeks I have been describing my emotional well-being to others as "fragile" knowing that I am in a spot where I can be easily broken. I've found myself avoiding eye contact with people who I feel can look directly inside me.
If I really believe that God is who He says He is, my life would be different. My mind and my heart would be different. God gave us emotions to enrich our lives, but I also believe He gave them for us to do battle with as a vehicle for bringing us closer to Him.

But I have to ask myself... tam... if you really believed.... if you really believed it, why would you worry? The answer is you wouldn't. The only conclusion I can come up with is that I simply don't believe. I lack faith. Why? One of my very favorite passages in the Bible, Matthew 14:29-33, details it beautifully. Jesus came walking on the water to the boat in the middle of a storm. Peter wants to come out and meet Jesus on the water. Christ bids him to come. Peter stepped out of the water and SAW the wind and waves and began to sink. He saw them because he took his eyes off Jesus. When Christ took Peter's hand to save him He said this, "Oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?" That's me. My attention is on the wind and the waves and I fall back into doubt. I am one of little faith. I think when I request prayer it will now include a request for faith in addition to patience and discipline. This is the very reason one of my Basics is to turn my eyes upon Jesus. And I have to say, when I call out for help, I can see His hand deliver me time after time whether that be in the form of encouragement from another person or an experience of worship in nature or simply a cocoon of peace. He never fails to bring me back up, walking on water towards Him.
Yeah, I see other people, they have all these things I think I want. But I'm not like them. I don't have those things. I've got other stuff. God is developing me differently, and when I really believe, I look forward to my future not with sadness, but with expectation and joy, for the God who blessed Ruth and Hannah is the same, yesterday, today, and forever! :)